First Time Bulker Thoughts......OI FATTIE!

Ah bulking. The term some of us may associate with an image of Arnold Schwarzenegger downing 12 raw eggs whilst doing leg curls and screaming 'I am the terminator, fear me!'. Or what we hear between a group of meat head blokes when we are being nosey arseholes in the gym. However, in the last few years, the bulking and shredding epidemic has grown bigger quads and it seems to be the norm in the fitness world for both men and women. The idea is to bulk during winter whilst lifting heavy weights and do little or no cardio to gain muscle (and most likely some extra cushion for the pushin) and then shred during the summer months by continuing to lift heavy but also cutting your calories and upping the cardio workouts to make those wash board abs pop and acheive arms that look like they have been blown up with a foot pump. 

I myself have never tried bulking or shredding. Although I have trained in the past with heavy weights, I am a cardio junkie. I love nothing more than doing a HITT workout, sprints or a spin class to work up a sweat and I love pushing myself when it comes to endurance training. I love cardio. I love weights. I love food. So I usually just do it all. I have undoubtly gotten fitter over the years and reduced my body fat but apart from a year or so ago when I lost a fair bit of weight due to stress and work load, I have remained around about the same weight and feel that I have came to a bit of a stand still with my fitness levels and physique. I have always been slim with a fast metabolism but I want to now challenege myself in a different way. I want to try and change my body and become stronger. I want to have Quadzilla legs and be able to do pull ups with my pinky finger (can anyone actually do this!?). I am obssesed with looking at women with incredible muscles and calves like knifes. I want to be them. I want to be able to train like them. Yes I could run my way out of a Zombie apocalypse but when if if came down to being strong and fighting them off I would be screwed (I am not saying that my fear of a zombie apocalypse is the reason I am doing this...there are others too). So after much thought and deliberation I decided to give this bulking malarky a go. 

Ayep. You read it here folks. That means little cardio, heavy weights and ALOT of food. 

Sounds like heaven right? Being able to eat the world and not feel guilty, have an extra hour in bed by skipping that 10k morning run, absolute bliss. 

Wrong.

I cannot believe I, Natalie Morgan, Queen of The Binges am saying this but bulking is....well, it is bloody hard. Really hard. I literally feel that I have to force myself to eat and that I am eating constantly when I really don't want to. I am contemplating getting my hands tied behind my back and letting someone feed me through a funnel (not meaning to be sexual I swear...). Working in a busy cafe doesn't help either as I have to double up my food and shove it down my gub on my ten minute break only to burn it all of again running after people who are on their 5th half shot non fat extra skinny caramel blessed by the Pope latte. I am struggling with not being able to do any cardio and feel like I am turning in to the lassie version of Fat Bastard. 

Okay so I have only put on 3kg in a little over two months but bulking affects you mentally especially if you are a first timer. I have been pushing myself with my weight training and I am getting stronger each week but when you feel that you are putting lots of effort in and the results are an arse that resembles styrofoam packaging rather than one you could rest a pint on is a swift kick to the goonies. 

An actual close up of my arse cheek. 

Girls are crazy. I am crazy. I know I am not big. My clothes that still fit me and the scales tell me other wise but not being able to train like I used to and eat like I used to (which I thought was a lot but compared to now, I was mistaken) does make you a bit (very) paranoid. 

I am determined to do this though. I know this is just a stage and that it doesn't happen over night but in stages (as my boyfriend keeps reassuring me everytime I cry when I feel my thighs chafing) and that as a first time bulker it is natural to feel like this. I can feel myself getting stronger and after each workout I feel great, I feel pumped, I feel sweaty and energised. I just can't yet seem to get ride of the urge to go a run afterwards. 

My New Years resolution (well one, like other crazy females I have many) is to stick to my programm and keep shoving food down my gub for as long as it takes. I want to challenge myself and see something through until the end (usually I get distracted by something shiney). 

So I guess all I can say is cheers to the festive season where I will be welcoming all the chocolate and pigs in blankets that I can get my hands on and nobody try and stop me! 

Scotland Vs Australia - Sun, Beer and Bikini Lines...

Hello everyone!

I have been in Australia for 5 weeks now and I am finally starting to get into a routine. I have managed to get a job as a waitress (looking to be my life long career at this rate) and I can comfortably walk to the shop up the road on my own now without some how getting lost (or caught in amongst somebodies garden bush). I feel now that I have had time to settle I can share with you  my Scotland vs Australia pros and cons list (thus far) which continues to grows on a daily basis.

Let me start with why I feel Australia is better than Scotland....

1. The weather - This is an obvious reason that doesn't need much discussion. Basically the Scottish climate is absolutely shite. End of point one.

2. The beer - So far I have not had one Aussie beer that I dislike and there is actually a good choice. A choice other than bloody Tenants.

3. The wages - basically I get paid $20 to cut somebody a slice of coffee cake. Three slices away until I make Forbes magazines rich list.

4. My accent makes me cool as f**k - back home having a Scottish accent, especially a Greenock accent should make you consider becoming a mute. Over here it is seen as 'enchanting' and if you find yourself in an awkward or life threatening situation, just shout 'freedom!' and everyone will back off.

5. Motivation to not get festively plump - well you can hardly hide your six selection box tummy pouch under a Christmas jumper in 35 degree heat can you? Lunges with the shopping bags it is...

6. BBQs every second day - BURGERS FOR THE BOYS!

7. You can go on a night out in flats, jeans and a singlet - I hate getting ready for a night out, I hate doing my hair, I hate wearing a shit tonne of make up dammit I hate washing my hair. Stick me in a pub with my junkie bun and I am one happy wumen. The Aussies are so chilled that the attire for most occasions is flip flops and a shell necklace.

 

And now why I feel Scotland is better than Australia...

1. The weather - yes this contradicts my first point but sometimes hearing the rain pelting doon on the roof is quite therapeutic and having an excuse to write a day off and get back in your kip because of the snow is pretty sweet.

2. You don't have to shave as much - the bad weather calls for granny pants, trousers and woolly tights. You could basically have something resembling the bushes in the outback down there and nobody would even know. Lazy girls rejoice!

3. Hangover grub - because nobody does a fry up quite like the Scots and nothing compares to a cold Irn Bru. Nothing.

4. You can walk pretty much anywhere - unlike Australia where walking any where apart from the fridge requires a ruck sack full of supplies to last you a week.

5. Motivation to GET festively plump - well as previously said, in Australia you can hardly hide your six selection box tummy pouch under a Christmas jumper in 35 degree heat can you? When in Scotland it is perfectly acceptable to eat your weight in cheese and biscuits whilst watching the Coronation Street Christmas special. Now that is living. 

6. Scotland is probably one of the safest places on earth - you can go to the toilet, sit on the pan and not worry about a deadly spider biting your arse or a raging kangaroo kicking the door in because you have been in for too long.

7. Nights out - yes you can wear your pyjamas out and not get taken away by the men in white coats but the reason it has taken me so long to earn my spot in Forbes magazine is because the cost of a drink is day light robbery, meaning I have been robbed at least 50 times since being here. Currently attending victim support meetings.

So there you have it, my list (so far) of the pros and cons of both Australia and Scotland. A list that is most likely to expand the longer I stay. Now I am off to listen to Flower of Scotland on repeat whilst dancing around in my cork hat.

Hoo-roo!